Derby Day Stakes: The Day “I Won’t” Became “I Kicked Ass.”

most of the time, i have t push myself to do anything productive. while i try desperately to push against the grain of my being, i am one of those  people who is content with doing nothing. i honestly think it stems from the many years i spent in school with guilt sitting on my shoulders, but i derive great pleasure from simply just existing. it’s a pretty shitty way to live, but this was the personality i was given by the universe when i was created. i’d like to think i’m one of those people who can just wake up and find something interesting to do, but honestly, i really just enjoy spending time in my head and having quiet time to myself. i want to be content with this part of my personality, but ultimately, i’m not, which is probably a good thing. i want more from my life than sitting and existing. there is a strong desire in my hear to just LIVE, but that voice sometimes cannot be heard over the general sounds of my laziness. i am a fucking lazy ass human being. i won’t ever deny that to you.  but, today, i challenged my laziness and found that if i just pushed through the difficulty breathing, if i just pushed through the thoughts which threaten to undermine my progress, i can achieve great things. i understand this is not a new concept and many of you may be rolling your eyes at how long it took for me to grasp this concept, but some of us are just fucking slower than others when it comes to making changes. if you want to help someone change and better themselves, the first thing you need to realize is it doesn’t happen overnight, there are slip-ups, and your time frame or expectations DO NOT APPLY. they don’t apply to this heavy chubster anyway.

there is a point to that tirade above and it is this: when i woke up this morning, i accepted, and told myself, that i would be walking most of this 5k. i have not been running regularly; this week has been a test of my limits as far as my eating habits go, and honestly, i was fucking lazy this morning. my allergies were giving me a bit of trouble, but it wasn’t anything a seasoned seasonal allergy sufferer can’t deal with. but i used it as an excuse to fuel my laziness. but, when we finally reached our destination, registered, and i pinned my bib to my shirt, i truly began to believe there was absolutely no way i could just walk a 5k. this wasn’t my first 5k– i had trained and ran one before. the kicker, personally, was the moment of silence for Boston and feeling the wind whip across my face waiting for the race to start. i had no excuses– i have two fully-functional legs, i have lungs, and i have fucking determination. so, i ran. and i ran. and i ran. and when the race was over, i was left with a personal record (PR) for my 5k. i had taken down the beast in 39 minutes, probably sooner according to my watch, and i am so fucking proud of myself. i woke up thinking there was just no way i could run, let alone finish running, and i set a record for myself. i am capable of great things, but man, my fucking laziness is the tendon in my Achilles. i realize laziness is an obstacle i must combat. i cannot be defeated before i even started, and that’s what almost happened this morning. i did not give myself a chance to succeed and almost lost a chance to set a record for myself. moral of the story– just fucking do it, y’all.

i did have the great honor and fortune of sharing a trail (at least some of it) with two girls, one of them being my very, very good friend Catie, who were running their first 1ok.

they finished a minute and 45 seconds below their goal time. they were a huge help, personally, as i struggled in the car on the way to the race with the idea of walking. they never said out loud that i should run, but i could feel their encouragement. they knew i could do it– the only person who doubted me was me. i am so thankful i ran this race today, especially with these two women. it was a joy to share the experience, some delicious breakfast, and make for a great Saturday. in these moments, it is easier to forget the laziness and focus on what i have already accomplished. i can do anything i want. i just have to stop being so fucking lazy and halfhearted about it all. i fought a little harder today and the laziness couldn’t keep up.

stay healthy, and not lazy, y’all.

P90X: Introducing the Sadist, Tony Horton, into My Routine

i just really fucking hurt.

let me preface this entry with a statement: i have never been gifted in the upper arm strength realm. i have always been too fat and too weak to perform pull-ups, climb ropes, or do anything that relied heavily on lifting myself based on the strength of my arms. i can hold yoga positions; i cannot, however, do fucking push-ups. fuck you, tony horton, you spritely, peppy, push-up masterfuck.

for a few years now, i’ve been hearing about this phenomenon called “p90x.” it’s basically, for those of you unfamiliar with Tony Horton, a 90 day program meant to get the user in the best shape of their lives. there are basic minimums you should meet before starting (i don’t, by the way) and the program utilizes “muscle confusion” to achieve quicker, more noticeable results for the user. the program is split into twelve individual workouts which focus on different parts of your body. today was day one and we, me and Tony Horton, focused on the chest and the back today. let me tell you something– i don’t even know how to do a fucking push-up, let alone perform different variations, which are more difficult, for extended periods of time. today, i learned diamond push-ups, military push-ups, dive-bomber push ups, and some sort of wide fly push-up. THEY ALL SUCKED.  but, i broke a serious sweat and i already feel the tension in my arms to tell me that i have been working. another problem is i do not have resistance bands, which i think would be more helpful than the pull-up bar. and my dumbbells are only 5lbs each. i may need to step it up and have a set that’s a tad bit heavier, just so i feel more of a resistance when performing actions which require the use of dumbbells. resistance bands and dumbbells. my arms hurt. either way, it was kind of fun and i think i’m really going to like it. apparently, tomorrow, the dear plyometrics session, is hard, too. i noticed there are some fucking jump-squats in there, so that should be splendid. i love/hate you, tony horton, but thank you for challenging muscles i did not know i had today. again, i kind of hurt. i’m sure it’s only going to get worse.

now, onto more serious matters. bashing tony horton is fun and all, but there are pressing matters facing our nation right now. as everyone should be aware, there is very serious news coming out of boston. if anyone doesn’t know, boston was the site of an attack against runners, civilians, americans. it was an attack against all of us. many people expressed their concern for me because i consider myself a (struggling) runner, and it has taken me a few days to really articulate what i felt. i feel like attacking marathoners is the wrong group of people to attack. these people have qualified for this race, trained for this race. they eat, breathe, sweat this race. they also eat, breathe, and sweat determination, perseverance, motivation, and self-control. these boston marathoners have overcome setbacks, they have experienced triumph, and their spirits are unwavering. yesterday, i ran 2 miles and dedicated my run to boston. while it may only be 2 miles, which is 24.2 miles less than a marathoner runs, i focused on how fortunate i am to have my life, my safety, and the ability to get out on the street and run. i have security that i am relatively safe when i run distances in my hometown and that is a feeling that was stolen from the city of boston and from the marathoners running the race. running is hard for me; i have a real hard time getting motivated sometimes. i love running races; i love how running makes me feel. but, fuck, man, it’s so hard while i’m doing it. but, i had a purpose on thursday– i was thinking of boston and of those people who may never run again, people who have been traumatized, people who lost their lives. muscle fatigue and sweating is nothing when compared to the drive of the human spirit and it was alive within me on thursday.

i love the running community. i love being a, albeit slow, runner. i love races. i love the spirit. i love the drive. most importantly, i love the human compassion that comes from the running community. there is such a desire to lift others up, to support others, to push others to achieve every goal. the safety and spirit of boston may have been diminished, damaged, but there is a country of people waiting in the wings to run for boston, to think of boston, and to stand behind boston. yesterday, i was boston. i will probably never approach running the same way again.

stay healthy, y’all.

I Am The Captain of My Soul

because isn’t this accurate?

i don’t think it’s a mystery to anyone that i’m a hateful, negative human being. i can be positive and generally uplifting when i want to be, but for the most part, i am a negative, self-hating creature. i don’t like anything i do, i don’t like anything about myself, and yesterday, after weeks of building, i fucking lost it. i cried all afternoon; i said incredibly mean things about myself and to myself. i had those overdramatic thoughts about my happiness and what the point of living was if i couldn’t be happy. after a long conversation with my mom, which resulted in more crying, i have come to one major conclusion: if i cannot find this happiness in myself, if i cannot be content with the woman i am becoming because of setbacks in my life, then i am going to be a miserable human being in every single capacity, regardless of my job, finances, or city in which i live. if i cannot create happiness out of my circumstances, then nothing is ever going to be good enough for me. 

i have incredibly high standards for myself and for the people in my life. if you’re a person who considers yourself close to me, i am sorry for everything i’ve ever put you through. i expect perfection and honestly, i expect the world to be “kara-centric.” a direct quote from my mom is that i am good at “being the center.” part of being in that center, is being the best at what i do and receiving constant praise. otherwise, it’s not good enough, i berate myself, and ultimately, dissuade myself out of being happy. one of my friends, to whom i no longer speak i might add, said that i have the expectation that i will succeed at anything i do on the first try. if it takes more than once, it’s not worth my time. how fucking insane is that? i am now in a situation where the first time, second time, or 59th time may not be the opportunity meant for me. i have let myself tear myself down way too much and i have let my own embarrassment about my life control how i feel about myself and other people. it has turned me into an uglier person that i was initially, which is kind of ridiculous. 

that’s right, you assholes. i am embarrassed of my life and what i’ve become, which is just fucking pathetic because i know, rationally, that i have a great deal to be thankful for in this little life of mine. i am 25 years old and i hold 3 degrees from an institution of higher education. i have 5 years of tutoring experience, a semester of teaching experience, and i know how to work with parents and college students alike. i was on scholarship for 6 of my 7 years in school. i have experienced amazing personal relationships with a great deal of people, even if those relationships have ended. i’ve seen barack obama speak in person.  i’ve run a half marathon. i’ve been to europe and asia. i have a fucking rad ass family who would never, ever let anything bad happen to me. i have amazing, great things in my life but i get so focused on the impending and incessant bullshit that i forget these aspects of my life that make it so fucking wonderful. i have no reason to be embarrassed about my life, but i’ve felt like such a failure this past year. i have made little to no progress in finding a more stable job, but i honestly wonder if i am the reason for this stagnation. am i honestly scared of the success i may find if i just step out of my comfort zone for all of five minutes? probably. that’s why procrastinators procrastinate– they fear their own success, or failure. with the prospect of success also comes the prospect of failure. i don’t like failing, y’all. but, i have failed before and i will fail in the future. it’s just so hard not not rake myself over hot coals every single time i fuck up or make a mistake. i’m kara lairson! i’m better than that! but no one is above mistakes. 

i am in charge of my future and it is what i want it to be. i have spent too much of the past year wallowing in my own self pity and self hate. it’s time to get my shit together and show the fucking world how great i can be. i have the potential to change the universe if i just put half of the effort into success that i put into feeling like a pile of shit. i can change everything in my life that makes me unhappy. this is the season of doing, not the season of whining. i cannot live my entire life just waiting for shit to fall into my lap to make me happy. i am in charge of my destiny and my next move. i have a responsibility to myself to make everything out of this short life i have been given. i am not too small. i am not stupid. i am not incapable. 

i am a  fucking force to be reckoned with; i have  personality that could shatter mountains. i owe it to myself to get out into the world and make a fucking difference. i have spent too many years of my life scared to leave this bullshit town that threatens to suffocate me. it is time to move forward, to take charge of my situation, and fucking drill it into the ground until i strike oil and make a life for myself. 

my friend, richie, left me this poem in my facebook inbox this morning. i want to leave it with you now. 

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul. 

William Ernest Henley

 

I’m the fucking captain, y’all. 

Colored Rad: 4 Hard Miles and a Cold As Shit 5k

colored rad, man

there is no way to describe the feeling of finishing a 5k race. there are so many phrases, adjectives, colorful words i could use to attempt to paint the picture of that sort of accomplishment. while i know most races are competitions, for me, it is not a competition with the other runners (i’ll never beat them!), but a competition with myself. it is a competition to keep going, to keep jogging, to keep moving, even if my lungs hurt, my legs ache, or i have a cramp in my side. the only object or person who will stop me is myself. so, instead of challenging other racers, i challenge myself. this week, i have challenged myself in 3 specific ways and i have, for the most part, succeeded with flying colors in every category. i ain’t no fucking pansy. 

on monday, i agreed to meet my bad ass big sister, Catie, to run 3.5 miles. i would be lying if i said i didn’t dread it, simply because i knew how hard it was going to be to complete that distance. i was, at one time, highly capable of running this distance, but now, it seems just as daunting as a half-marathon. i struggled through mile one, through mile two, and finally, i made it to mile 3. i only had 7 minutes left to go in my run– i only had half a mile… until Catie told me she was going for 4 miles instead of 3.5. following her lead, and letting her motivation push me, i ran the extra distance and finished 4 miles on Monday. as cliched as it is, it has been a long time since i felt that alive. 

catieeeee!

it was a good moment. but, my lungs ultimately did not feel the same way and i spent the next couple of days trying to cough up the years of nicotine damage i’ve inflicted on them. my hip flexors also did not agree and i am thankful that the soreness has eased up. otherwise, it would have been difficult to run my race this morning. 

i was scared.

i felt completely unprepared for my race this morning. it was snowing and cold outside, my full length running pants don’t fit right now, and i did not want to wear my good jacket to be color bombed by the volunteers of the Color Me Rad 5k. so, i wore a tiny white hoodie over a white shirt over a tanktop and my running capris. i was absolutely freezing and dreading the race. but, i got up, met Leslie in Lexington, and fucking did it anyway. not only did fucking do it anyway, but i finished in under 40 minutes, which is incredible for me, considering my last 5k time was closer to 42 minutes. my body is already responding positively to my training and to treating it well. my body already wants me to run faster, longer, and harder. i just need to keep feeding these good habits. the race itself was such a blast, though. the colors, the excitement, and the general atmosphere of fun were just so overwhelmingly wonderful. i’m so glad i did this race and even more glad i did it with good friends.

leslie!

leslie let me ride with her to the race, which was very kind of her. it was also nice to have someone to get amped with before stepping into the freezing cold tundra of Lexington, KY. seriously. not a fan. leslie also ran my first 5k with me back in 2011, so it seemed wonderfully fitting to run this race with her, too. 

trenia!

this was trenia’s first 5k. FIRST 5k. this lady ran and finished her first 5k in the cold and snow and color bombs. i am so proud of her and so honored i got to run this race with her. i hope she had as much fun as i did. 

trenia and ashley watching me watch myself

i love this picture because of what’s happening, but i also love it because the colors are so visible on our clothing. color bombs ahoy, even that fucking liquid shit they sprayed on us. was that supposed to be some sort of cruel joke or…? 

clothing colored rad

this race was a silly amount of fun and although i wish it had been warmer, it was actually a test of my endurance and commitment. i’ll be damned if i didn’t rise to that challenge and thoroughly kick its ass.

i started weight watchers again this week and it’s already helping me more than just counting calories. i need to be trained in what to eat for the rest of my life, not just by changing what i eat to fulfill a dietary need. WW has been the only program that has actually shown me results and helped me figure out the best way to eat on my own. i eat food in the real world and while it may not be the best for me sometimes, i am still trying and doing better than i have been doing in the past 6 months. with this newly revitalized motivation inside me, i have further cut back on my drinking and my cigarette habit. since monday, i have had less than 10 cigarettes and while that may still seem like a large amount, it’s actually much lower than that number would have been say, four weeks ago. i am making progress. my habits are changing. it may not be happening as fast as i would like, but it’s still happening and that’s all i can ask for, really. this is going to be an uphill battle for the rest of my life, but someday, dammit, i am going to get to to the top of that hill and shout with the voice of fucking success because i am successful and i can fucking do this. 

stay healthy, y’all. 

I Cannot Sleep

Just a quick update– I’ve been trying to sleep for the past three hours, but all I can do is think about my run.

I Walk the Line: Introducing Other Activities

i look like a hobo. sad.

i look like a hobo sometimes. i have accepted this fact about myself. today, i woke up with two of the sorest thigh muscles i have ever had. i had barely moved after i woke up when i knew it was going to be a difficult day to even walk. so, i abandoned my ideas of running and instead, i went for a one hour walk with one of my good friends. we chatted, laughed, and got some exercise in, too. i have to give her a shout-out, though. 

big sister, catie!

when i was in college, i was in a sorority and the girl in the picture behind me is my big sister, catie. recently, she decided she wanted to get healthy and start running. this girl has lost 30 fucking pounds from running and eating well. she very rarely eats out anymore and has quit most bad habits that still run rampant in my own head. she is a huge motivation for me, especially recently, because she is on fire for what she is doing right now and is full of this great attitude that is incredibly infectious. i just had to recognize her for my recent burst of motivation and trying to get my health together, truly, for the first time in quite some time. i am so thankful for her, especially the past few days. it’s been super rad to have someone to look up to when i’ve been struggling for the past few weeks. 

i realized today that walking also counts as exercise. it is not as high impact as running and it may take longer to burn calories, it is a nice way to get some calories burned and miles it. it also helped my thighs from being so fucking sore. but tomorrow, i am going to go to the gym or suck it up and run outside and get a mile to two miles in– nothing intense, just a couple of gentle miles to build my habits back up. the first week of my running plan is creeping slowly upon me and i have to be conditioned to be able to run 5 miles by then. i know i can do it– i just have to stay motivated and consistent. 

basically, what this comes down to, more than anything, is i miss my favorite pair of jeans. i will get back into those jeans. i feel good about myself. today, i feel good. stay healthy, y’all. 

3.15 Miles: The First Time in 8 Freaking Months

i am a trainwreck

this morning, for the first time in over 8 months, i ran 3.1 miles. i ran a 5k for the first time in over half a year. my hip flexors hurt, my neck is sore for some reason, but mother fucker, i feel fucking awesome. let me talk to you all about something: running is 90% mental for me. my body, because i know it is capable, can carry me for extended periods of time and long distances. it may be slow, but i can continue to do it. the problem is i have this voice in my head, which i assume is the ultimate manifestation of every negative thought i have about myself, that tells me i cannot do it; i am too fat again to run like i used to run. a voice that tells me my legs are not strong enough, my lungs are not willing, and that i can be satisfied with half a mile or a mile. the problem is i know i will not be satisfied with a half a mile. i am only satisfied when i have pushed myself beyond my comfort zone. running a mile is not out of my comfort zone, but running 3 miles currently is very beyond my comfort zone. around 2.1 miles, i started having a conversation with myself which, in short, i should stop at 2.3 miles because it’s easier and i haven’t ran more than that in quite some time. this voice is the problem. today, i had an active battle with this voice. i challenged the hatred i have for my body, the doubt i have in my own ability, and i came out successful. i am a successful motherfucker.

it may have had a great deal to do with the fact i was playing a zombie game while running that kept me motivated, but whatever works, right? for the record, “zombies, run!” is a pretty fascinating way to get through a running workout. each run is an individual mission and as you run, you pick up supplies and run from zombies; the missions can be 30 minutes or an hour. after the mission is over, it switches to radio mode so you can keep running and collecting supplies. in each mission, there is a story-telling session, and then it breaks into personal music, and then back to story telling. it kept my run fun, interesting, and i felt like i was accomplishing shit because i was bringing my fake digital supplies to these fake digital people who are constantly fighting off hoards of fake digital zombies. you can even hear them breathe through your headphones. there is also an interval option where swarms of zombies come after you and you have to run faster to stay away from them. i’m not ready for that kind of bullshit yet, but it will come in handy for speed workouts. i got it on sale through the app store, but it’s normally 7.99. pretty rad, y’all, especially if you sometimes get bored the way i do. check it out. this was the first time i’ve used it, so it’ll be interesting to see how the story progresses. 

i’ve been having problems trying to get my alumni membership sorted out through EKU’s gym. they let me in for free today after i explained to them what was going on and they were super friendly. i’ll be back tuesday to get registered FOREAL and then take the hot yoga class that night. i’m also talking about running races with my sister, who, if you don’t know, is pretty fucking amazing. 

the only problem i am really facing now is paying for the races i want to run this year. the first race is “Color Me Rad” in March, then the 7 mile rookie “Run the Bluegrass” and ultimately, the “Flying Pig” half in May. it’s almost 200$ in races and while i have no problem paying for awesome races like the aforementioned races, i cannot actually afford that kind of money all at once. if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. 

i ran 3.15 miles today. i stepped foot into a gym for the first time in months. i feel fucking radical. stay healthy, y’all. 

Merry Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year: Looking Ahead to 2013

my amazing family

so, this christmas, i’ve been doing something i normally NEVER do, which is listen to christmas music. i attribute a lot of this to the fact that i work in a retail environment and that shit is forced upon me and has been since November 6th. needless to say, i have heard the same christmas songs over and over and over again and have come to hate some of the lines from specific songs. for example, from the song “chestnuts roasting on the open fire” which is also known as “the christmas song,” i hate the line “everybody knows/ a turkey and some mistletoe” because i absofuckinglutely hate the way every single musical artist says “turkey.” i especially hate it when zooey deschanel says it. it probably has great deal to do with my overall dislike of zooey deschanel. this tangent has a point– or at least i thought it had a point. maybe the point is this is the first time in my entire life i have felt “christmas” around me.

my uncle is very sick; he is fighting, but he is very sick. this christmas, i had to come to terms with a great deal of things about myself and about my family. we have such a limited time to live our lives and i wanted to take some time to express my emotions or whatever. i have been absent this year– from my friendships, from my motivation, from my own life, i have been absent. i disappear frequently; i hibernate. i become anti-social at a moment’s notice. i flake out of plans. i avoid conversations. at the same time, i long for people to be around. i’ve come to the conclusion, friends, that i am embarrassed about where my life has come. i used to be, and i wish i had a dollar for every time i’ve said this, i used to be a mighty academic warrior with ultimate control of her future, a consistent runner, an active practitioner of yoga. now, i work a minimum wage job and i am thankful to have it, but it scares me. i live with my parents and while they are incredible human beings who would do anything for me, i miss my independence. i have gained close to 30 pounds and find it hard to motivate myself because it’s hard and i’m a fucking pansy sometimes. i have so many different paths in front of me and yet, i refuse to take any of them because i am so afraid of failure. the whole point of this is i have abandoned a lot of people who were very close to me– i have damaged many of my friendships and although i may be a cynical bitch who kind of hates everything, it breaks my fucking heart to think i have hurt my friends. i want to be present in 2013. i want to be present in my conversations with other people, i want to be a listener, i want to be THERE instead of hiding in my bedroom because i am ashamed of where i am. these moments in my life are so fleeting and i need to embrace every single one of them instead of wishing them away while i wait for my life to change. nothing will change if i do not put forth the effort to change. i have to change and i have to pull myself out of this rut i have created for myself. 

i am sorry, dear friends. i am sorry i have been so hidden, so closed, and so cold to some of you. i am sorry that i have not been helpful, loving, or compassionate. i was selfish with my thoughts this year. i want to build my friendships back up and at the same time, build myself back up and get motivated to push myself in the right direction again. part of the reason i was so successful the first time around was because i had an amazing support system and i supported myself. i have spent most of 2012 bashing myself and the decisions i made for myself for the past 12 months. i have fucked up in 2012 and i have fucked up hard. i made huge errors in judgement. i let myself go; i let my fire die. this year, i have hurt mentally, i have hurt physically, and i have, my god, hurt emotionally. instead of reaching out to people, i pushed everyone away. i am sorry for that. 

2013 will be my year. i am going to start standing up for myself. i am going to stop being so passive. i am going to start putting effort into everything again instead of treating life so listlessly. i am going to come back from this hellish year; i am going to make some fucking decisions. i am going to do something with my life instead of treating it like it’s already over. i am only 25 years old– i have years ahead of me. i am not going to waste them. 

stay healthy, y’all. 

Sometimes, We Need Some Inspiration: The I Heart Ronson Dress

look at this sweet cardigan

today, Kathy (my mother) and i ventured out into the hellish abyss that is Lexington during the holiday season. mom had to exchange/purchase a few gifts, and because my brother was “ahead” in gift count and my mom is unsure of my sizing, i got to go along and pick out some new boots… that have to be wrapped… and some clothing articles, including that sweet cardigan that i keep falling in love with every time i look at it. but, with shopping always comes the fear that i will try something on and be thoroughly disappointed. today, i was not disappointed when i tried on a dress that didn’t fit, but rather, thought of it as motivation to get back to where i was before i gained my weight back this summer. this, my friends, is the dress:

i heart ronson size 16

this is an “i heart ronson” in a size 16 and while it pains me that the dress did not fit and would have fit 6 months ago, i am, in some ways, elated as it is not as bad as it could have been. the dress zipped up almost all the way and while it was tight and wouldn’t finish zipping, i could get a size 16 in a really cute dress. i will eventually be able to fit into a dress that size. i will get back into clothes like this and until then, i will count my blessings that while i may have gained weight, most of my jeans still fit, most of my clothes still fit, and this damage is ultimately reversible. i caught myself in time to save myself from losing all of the hard work i put into losing weight in the first place. my motivation is still here– i just need to channel it and drive on. 

tomorrow, after work, i am going to EKU’s gym and paying my first month and exercising. i may run; i may use the elliptical machine. i may lift some fucking weights! who knows what i’ll do, but the point is, i will be back in that gym and will be taking these positive steps to losing weight and getting back into shape. having a gym membership is going to change my entire outlook– i feel it. i will have some place safe to run; i will have a place to utilize free weights; i will have access to the swimming pools and other machines to use to get healthy in ways that do not just include running. i am excited about getting back into the gym and i am excited to have a game plan again. for the first time, truly, i see all of this coming together. the  gym, combined with the motivation from my running coach, will put me over the top. hellooooo, motivation! i have fucking missed you! 

one more item: yesterday, while i was at work, a very sweet lady told me she reads my blog and recognized me while i was running the cash register. she had nothing but nice words for me and it saved my day from becoming a bullshit crying fest. it is overwhelming to think that a blog i started to keep myself going has reached people i do not personally know. it feels amazing. never hesitate to be kind to someone– you never know how much good it may do them to hear it.

stay healthy, y’all.

So, I Put My Faith in Something Unknown: My Running Coach and Looking Forward

Left: March Right: December

good evening, folks. instead of being out partying like many people i know, i am in my bed preparing for what promises to be an incredibly hectic day at work, but i am so excited about my future that i had to blog about it before i went to bed. the photo above, obviously, contains two pictures: one before my half marathon in March and the other a couple of weeks ago in late November/early December. i believe that putting these images next to each other will help me gauge where i have gained weight and, unfortunately, where i may have lost my muscles. i may be overly happy, because while i see a difference, it isn’t as huge as i had once thought. i have this super negative perception of my body and how much space i take up in the world. but, my poor thighs. they were once powerful tree trunks of, well, power, and i have lost most of the muscles that once thrived there. regardless, i now see where i need to put work into my body and that brings me to my next item of interest…

I HAVE A RUN COACH and she is lovely, amazing, and fabulous in every way imaginable. while i have been capable of running myself and following a pretty decent schedule, having someone who knows how to build endurance, someone who is there to answer specific questions about running, and someone who has been on her own journey and knows how to inspire others. in the fall of 2011, she started a running group in Lexington dubbed The LexRunLadies that has grown to include a huge number of men and women; i am honestly so proud to know her and her husband. initially, we began speaking through DailyMile, the website i use to keep track of my running progress and mileage throughout the week, and she has become one of the biggest motivators in my quest to become a healthy runner. she is also a trained running coach and after seeing me bounce back and forth between motivated and motivation-less, she approached me about helping me with a training schedule and getting me trained, here i am and i am ready to follow through and stay dedicated to my goals. you should check her running coach website out here: Committed Coaching. i will be, thus, preparing for the Flying Pig Half Marathon while doing various 5ks (and hopefully obstacle courses!) along the way. but seriously, i’m pretty obsessed with her.

i finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. i have a plan. i have a strategy. i have people behind me. stay healthy, y’all.