alright, ladies and gentlemen. it has come to the point that i need to sit down and have some truth time. it would be a lie to say i’ve been completely honest with you all, which disappoints me because that was the main reason i started this blog. i wanted to remain honest at all points in time, and i have not been. i’ve been giving you all the good things i have been doing for myself, but i have neglected to share the not-so-good things i do in the dark of the night when no one is looking. it’s controlling those hidden, shameful activities and urges that contribute the most to positive weight loss and i think it’s because i haven’t been honest with myself that i’m still struggling both physically and nutritionally. this post is an attempt at being honest about what triggers me, what i struggle with, and hopefully, what i can do to slowly start changing those habits. this is going to be one of the most difficult posts i write because i will actually have to confront myself. well, here goes, y’all.
Downfall 1: Fast Food and Eating at Restaurants– when i first started this blog in January, my first post was about Americans blaming fast food companies for their obesity. this is, in no way, blaming those companies for the state of my health and my body. but, in all honesty, i am addicted to fast food and to eating out in general. when confronted with the question: do i want to eat in or get something from a restaurant, i immediately jump at the idea of eating out. i’ve always been that way. additionally, i fucking love the shit out of fast food. i love french fries; i love taco bell. i love big fucking burritos they make at restaurants. i love cheesy mexican food, fatty potato soup, and big fluffy yeast rolls. i love all of those things. to put it simply, my friends, i am a glutton. i look at all of my friends who hate fast food, who can ignore it, who love to eat in and cook their own food, but it is a fucking struggle for me and i know it will be for the rest of my life. i try to justify my actions by saying “oh, i don’t eat it very often” or “this will be my only big meal of the day. i’ll eat a salad later.” but i never really hold to those statements and usually end up binge-eating later on in the evening when hunger creeps out of nowhere. my money situation is in the shitter right now and part of it is because i still eat out so fucking much. i can blame it on not having much food at my apartment (haven’t done much grocery shopping SINCE BONNAROO), but the honest to god fucking truth is that i don’t want to exert the effort to come home and cook my own food, even though i get extreme enjoyment out of cooking and making nutritionally wholesome foods for myself. the days where i don’t include meals or just coincidentally forget to mention what i’ve had to eat are days i have eaten like shit and you can bet there are more of those recently than are days that i’ve eaten healthy for myself. i am a food addict and i am considering finding a support group for other food addicts because something, somewhere, has got to give. my willpower is not as strong as i would like to believe it is and even when my conscience steps forward and says “whoa. hold the fuck up there, buddy. you do not need to eat those french fries,” i tell it to shut the fuck up and i do what i want anyway. so there’s that. judge me if you want. i don’t fucking care.
Downfall Two: Alcohol and Binge Drinking– anyone who has been a friend of mine for any length of time, starting in the Spring of 2007, knows just how much i love to drink and how much i love to party. i love being the life of the party. i love it when people say i’m “legendary” for my drinking and partying skills. it gives me such an ego boost and i don’t know why. i think it’s because it’s something i’ve always wanted. i’ve always wanted to prove i can run with the best of them and i have proven that. the problem is, that even years after proving it, i’m still doing it. i find justifications for drinking heavily at least two or three times a week. it starts with “oh. it’s a nice day. i’m going to sit on a porch and get fucked up.” followed by “oh. it’s a holiday weekend” or “it’s his birthday” or “it’s Canada day” or “it’s st. martinlutherchristmasevevalentinesdaystpatricklabormemorialflagcanadaboxinghaunnkahpresidentskwanzaa day”. any reason i can find, i will drink until i am drunk. i love being drunk. there. i said it. i can’t be afraid of it since i engage in it so often. i love the feeling of being drunk because it shuts down the empathy censor in my brain. it gets that part of my brain that tells me to care about everyone and everything to shut the fuck up and i do what i want in those moments. i do what i want without regard or consequence because i don’t care about anyone else but my good time. i don’t care if i hurt someone’s feelings or if i was loud and obnoxious and people were aggravated with me. the natural ability that some people have to just not give a shit is only attained for me through excessive drinking. i’ve been a heavy drinker for 5 years now and to some people, that’s child’s play and hey, more power to you, but i can’t do it anymore. i cannot expect to achieve any of my goals if i am still getting drunk three times a week. i just can’t. there are times and places for it, obviously, and i would be lying if i said i didn’t plan on getting drunk ever again in my entire life, but for the most part, this shit has got to calm down or else i’m going to railroad every single attempt and effort i have been trying to make since January.
Downfall 3: Smoking Cigarettes– so, their marketing campaign worked. i do feel cooler smoking cigarettes. i smoked the first full cigarette of my life in January of 2007. i never looked back. i also love being a smoker’s advocate. nothing gets me more fired up than listening to non-smokers and their rights over mine and blah blah blah blah blah blah. get mad. i don’t care. i know i’m a bad person and i’m slowly killing myself and DO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE PUTTING INTO YOUR LUNGS WITH EVERY SINGLE PUFF, why yes, i do. i know that. i’ve seen the posters and the truth campaign and i have been the victim of merciless tirades by people about my smoking and i’ve had professors yell at me from their windows and i’ve been given dirty looks and do you think i would endure that if i wasn’t somehow attached to the little white cylinder hanging ever so gently betwixt my pointer and middle finger of my right hand? i am a human being, too. but, i also understand the plight of the non-smoker and trying to stay away from the toxic smoke. i do. do not misunderstand me. i know why you’re pissy at us and i know why you hate us and i know why you want us all to crawl in a hole and die with our cigarettes. but i would also like for you to understand the mental and emotional connection i have with smoking. this is not even about physical addiction. motherfuckers, i can go days and days without a cigarette and not even crave one. i can not have a pack of cigarettes on me and feel no anxiety or fear. i am, though, emotionally and mentally attached to not only my label of being “a smoker” but the community of smokers in which i am a member. i’m having a hard time letting go of a label. but, in order for my lungs to be at capacity and carry me through the intense physical activity i wish to undertake, i’ve got to start cutting these bad habits out of my life. i catch a lot of shit about smoking, and i need to quit, but i wonder if i’m actually ready to let it go.
Downfall 4: Self-Loathing and Self-Dishonesty– again, for anyone who knows me and is familiar with my personality, it’s no surprise that i experience deep bouts of self-hatred at least once a week. i make mistakes and i beat myself up which leads me to make more mistakes which leads to more self-hatred. it’s like i have this tangible bully living inside of me, ready to use me as a punching bag at any moment of any day. i say more mean things to myself weekly than anyone has said to me my entire life and it is that same self-loathing that prevents me from really trying to succeed. i was/am terrified of the weights section of the gym because i am afraid people will judge and make fun of me because i judge and make fun of myself. how silly is that? on top of that, i am incredibly dishonest with myself. i lie to myself daily, just to make myself feel better. but, everything comes with time. as i train my body, i need to train my mind to let go of all the hatred for myself and of all the lies i beat into my head every single day. that has to change. bad habits lead to other bad habits. it’s okay to make mistakes as long as i learn from them and figure out a way to avoid it next time. learning by a mistake is not bad.
i guess what i’m asking is for understanding. this person i want to be come isn’t drastically different from the person i am now, but there are big changes ahead for me. i want to be a healthier person. i want to be a fit person. i want to be a happy person. being all of these things, at this point, means i need to make small sacrifices to meet those goals. at this point, i can’t physically, mentally, or emotionally handle being around people who cannot understand. i hope everyone is having a great fourth of July weekend. stay healthy, y’all.