The Impostor Syndrome of the Heavy Hipster: Learning My Worthiness

yoga ravaged

happy day, everyone. it has been an interesting, yet successful week, since i last updated this blog. i have been running again, my dog turned one, and i’ve added more body modification to my person, much to the disdain of my sweet, sweet mother. she claims i am killing her slowly. she took the new piercing really well, though. all i got when i saw her was a dramatic cringe and a “OH KARA!” exclamation in the middle of the Dollar Tree. it could have been worse.

i started weight watchers again and so far, it’s going really well. i’m making every single attempt to track everything i put in or around my mouth *SEXUAL JOKE HAR HAR* and i am keeping up with it pretty well. i weighed myself this morning and I LOST 3.2 POUNDS!!! i feel like i am starting all over when in reality, i am just revamping and reorganizing. weight watchers is pretty good for someone like me who struggles with food but it’s a little gut wrenching to track my drinking that i did this weekend, WHICH ACTUALLY WAS MINIMAL compared to other weekends i have had. i ventured out to tailgating this weekend and had to avoid my students at all costs. i still managed to wobble and catch a great buzz, though.

like i said, i have been running again. last week, including my cycling, i managed to get 19 miles in. this week, i’ve gotten 3.5 of running in and then another half mile walk to add to that. last night, i cranked out another 4.35 miles and on Saturday, i have my very first ever 5k! it’s the Spoonbread 5k in Berea

ignore the 2010. you know what i mean.

and i am so pumped/scared. i also registered for the Black Cat Chase 5k in October and the Thoroughbred Classic 5k on Thanksgiving Day! i am SO SO SO SO excited to run a race on Thanksgiving! it just seems so holidayish and full of cheer. running brings me cheer, though. but, as i mentioned, i am very nervous about this upcoming 5k as it is my very first 5k and only the second race in which i have participated. i know i am so capable of running 3.1 miles and i know i can do it efficiently, but there’s always that nagging feeling of unworthiness in the back of my mind that keeps repeating “you will suck at this. you will never run a half-marathon, either.” this is currently the mindset i am battling at this moment in time. more about that, later, though.

in honor of my newly-found independent streak and need to prove something to myself, i got my nose pierced.

would you look at that!

yeah. that’s my new nose piercing. i am already in love with it. don’t tell me my business. i work in academia. i do what i want when i want for however long i want to do it for (unless my class interferes with it and then i have some sort of moral obligation to teach) and no one can stop me.

in case anyone hasn’t yet figured it out, i am a diehard wannabe yogi/yogini. i am in love with all things yoga. i love how it makes me feel. i love how much concentration it takes. i love feeling my body give into my desires. i love hot yoga. i love seeing the sweat bead on my arms and feel it run down my back. i love the sweet release of all my anxiety as i enter each pose in the sweet warmth of the studio. i love everything about yoga, even when it’s difficult, and tuesday night’s class was difficult. i had a very beautiful/embarrassing/incredible moment. it was hot yoga, and i am very very fortunate to have such a wonderful yoga instructor who took the time after class to talk to me and push me, gently, in the right direction again. tonight in class, we practiced a lot of hip openers, including anjaneyasana. while that pose may not look incredibly intense, it IS intense, especially for someone who runs. besides the physical pain, though, women tend to hold a lot of grief, fear, and anxiety in/around the hips, so it is natural to get emotional during poses that are hip openers, which is exactly what happened to me. my quads/hip flexors are incredibly tight right now, which obviously means i need more stretching, but i just could not keep myself together. my mind kept telling me that i wasn’t good enough, that i shouldn’t practice yoga, and that i would never achieve any of my fitness goals. do you know how hard it is to have your entire body rebel against you in a moment of sheer vulnerability? it’s ROUGH. so, i cried. and i fought it all throughout class.

the point is that we are capable of anything we set our minds to, especially physical achievements. it may be hard at first, but it just takes persistence, patience, and gently pushing the body constantly forward. like i said, i am incredibly lucky to have such a sincere, caring woman as a yoga instructor. she set me up with a 10 minute practice to do every day to increase that flexibility, to cut down on my tension, and most importantly, to center myself before i get my day started.

we are all worthy of our goals and our desires. we have to remember that. we cannot let self doubt impede what we want and we cannot let fear dictate our day to day actions. every day, i am terrified that i will fall short of my goals and will disappoint myself, but i cannot let the fear of failure hold me down. instead, i need to think about the wonderful things around me that motivate me, that push me to feel this positivity, and focus on those aspects of my life rather than the fear that threatens to overcome me. i want to release fear and live in the present. that was our mantra tonight– be present. my goal for my self right now is to work through those negative emotions and start moving toward inner peace. it will take work. it will take sacrifice. but i just have to keep moving. stay healthy, y’all.

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Kara

trying to get by in this wonderfully difficult world

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