hello, motherfuckers. i should probably not call you all that, but i just did because that’s how i speak and y’all should know this by now. do you want to know what those sneaky assholes at Marlboro did today? they sent me those sunglasses and THEY ARE RAD. i don’t even smoke Marlboro! it’s like a present for just existing. needless to say, it was one of the brighter moments of my life today. it’s been a bit since i’ve published a traditional text post, but i figured it was time. i felt like writing and i felt like a blog post, which ultimately led me back to my much neglected blog. i am sorry i have neglected you, blog, but you have to understand [insert random ass lame excuse]. that’s right. i am full of fucking excuses lately, and have been for quite some time. it is time for those excuses to cease. it will not be easy. i probably will not like it most of the time, but it needs to happen before i lose all of the progress that i made with weight loss, self-confidence, and control of my eating habits.
there was a point in my life when i had my health, eating and exercise both, by the balls and owned it. i was a vegan and i was working out regularly. in February, i was down to 212 pounds, which was the lightest i had been since before i can even remember. but, after mardi gras, it kind of started to spiral out from there. i started eating whatever i wanted, drinking whatever i wanted, and i lost sight of what i wanted to achieve. this downward spiral affected not only my personal relationship with myself, but my training for my half marathon as i pretty much ran 13.1 miles cold. i will never do that to myself, to my mind, or to my body again. if i am going to commit to a big race like that in the future, i will put forth the effort necessary to run the race without destroying my knees and my confidence in one fell swoop. recently, after my graduation of doom and my unavoidable unemployment, i have been experiencing what many would call “depression.” i am familiar with that term as i was diagnosed as a depressive a couple of years ago and honestly, yes. i have been depressed the past couple of weeks. coming down from a high of visiting another part of the world coupled with realizing my life wasn’t going to pan out the way i wanted it to was unbearable for a few days. i didn’t leave my bedroom unless it was to eat, which i did a lot of, honestly. i didn’t go out with my friends. i didn’t shower. i just sort of laid in bed and moped my way through my days. finally, i started to pull myself out of it and today, i can say, i feel better than i have in a couple of weeks, which is probably because i actually got a job today (OH SHIT) and… i fucking ran two miles.
my mom told me about this trail close to our house (because i moved back home with my parents) and because i’m scared of stray dogs and being hit by the maniac drivers down my small country roads, i hopped in my car and took a quick 5 minute drive to this neat place. there were a few inclines, but it was mostly just flat and gorgeous. perfect running platform for my first day back after 2ish months. the first 5 minutes were difficult as my body struggled to remember what running was but after that, i felt golden and while it was difficult, it was probably the most amazing run of my life. i learned some pretty critical things in the 27 minutes it took to finish 2.1 miles today and i want to share them:
- i am not drinking enough water. At all. Within minutes of beginning my run, my throat was parched and my body was like “WTF, KARA?” because i have not been hydrating properly. if i am serious about running again, and training for the Iron Horse in October, then i need to get back into the habit of drinking at least 100oz of water a DAY. probably more, considering i’m 6’2 and a hefty sized girl. water water water, especially in the summertime if i am running in the evening. need that h2o, bitches.
- my diet is FUCKED. since i’m living at home, i have been delighting in my mom’s dinners, which are healthier than a lot of foods found at restaurants. however, instead of eating one serving, i have been gorging myself on mama food instead of eating to fuel my body. i have not been working out, so the drive to eat for fuel rather than for pleasure has all but disappeared. while i am a firm believer in indulging (i mean come the fuck on) my indulgences cannot be every single day.
- i need to be lifting weights again and i need to stick to a schedule. my leg muscles used to be machines of destruction and right now, they’re just pathetic, especially my thighs. i have always appreciated my thighs, but when i was running regularly, they were forces to be reckoned with and i was avidly in love with them and my calves. i will have those muscles back again. i will be in love with my legs once more. this also goes for my arms. while i was dedicated to yoga, my arms were incredible. they have lost that definition, but i know it is possible to get it back again.
- running is a way to control my stress and yoga is a way to execute that stress into positivity. i feel incomplete without yoga; running without yoga is not the full package for me. i need to find regular yoga classes as soon as possible and get back into taking care of my mind as well as my body.
- this was the most crucial lesson of all: i am KARA MOTHERFUCKING LAIRSON. pretty self-explanatory, i think.
i could not stop thinking while i was running and getting lost in my thoughts was absolutely delicious and in a good way. instead of being buried under the burden of negativity, i felt positive about myself for the first time in months. i was amazed at what my body was doing for me, even after taking so much time off of running, exercise, and feeding it the foods it needs. it is time to take responsibility for the weight gain, and i have gained weight, and it is time to fall back in love with myself (thanks, Emily) instead of fighting against myself every single day. i also need to find a way to deal with my anxiety instead of letting it consume every thought i have. maybe i should go back to counseling. nothing wrong with seeking a little help when i need it. that’s what it’s there for, right?
what it comes down to, honestly, is i feel the best about myself and less hateful toward my body when i am taking care of it. i have slipped so many times in the past, but if i keep focusing how i fucked up months ago, i’ll never make time to do it tomorrow, or today, whatever the case may be. i cannot keep regretting what i did not do; instead, i need to put that energy into getting it done today. i cannot change what happened yesterday, but i sure as shit have control over what happens tomorrow. that’s what i need to remember. i am in control of what i put in my body and what i do for my body to make it the healthiest, well-oiled machine it can be. it is tired of mediocrity, friends, and so am i. stay healthy, y’all.