you should probably prepare yourself for some negativity. obviously my body was not completely tired of mediocrity because i’ve been doing nothing but continuously fucking it up. i wish i had a dollar for every single fucking time i’ve chastised myself the past few weeks; i wish i had a dollar for every time i’ve looked at myself in the mirror, have experienced disgust, and have yet to do anything about it except shovel more food into my face or simply just lament how fat i’ve gotten again. at this point, i refuse to even weigh myself because i know that will only contribute to my very serious hate spiral i am currently experiencing. that’s right, friends. i am in a hate spiral and i have no idea how to get myself out of it.
for starters, i used to be a person who was a graduate assistant, had a job, an apartment, a reputation as a socialite, was in school, and had dreams for my future. now, i hold a master’s degree, but i live at home with my parents, feel very alone, am not in school, and work a tiny, degrading minimum wage job just so i can feel decent about my existence. i suppose all of this has contributed to my massive weight gain, but you know what, i just haven’t fucking felt like taking care of myself. i have felt like getting fucked up all the time, i have felt like chain smoking cigarettes, and i have felt like feeding myself garbage because that’s how i feel– i feel like garbage about myself and what i’ve done to my life. my motivation, along with my feelings of self-worth and my belief in a future, has seemed to simply flutter away and has gradually turned into aforementioned hate spiral.
what i need to do now, more than anything, is find positivity in my current situation and morph that positivity into motivation and the desire to do something good for myself instead of indulging the negative. because that’s what i’m doing. i am indulging my negative because nothing else feels right. i don’t feel like being positive because i don’t feel that i have, in 25 fucking years of my life, have anything to show for two bachelor’s degrees and a master’s degree. i have let it affect my health and i know that needs to change. i just need to find the drive in my life once again instead of continuously being sad and feeling sorry for myself and what my life has become. i need to accept that this is what my life is now, work on making it better, and take care of myself instead of being self-destructive.
at this point, i don’t know what to do, y’all. i feel like i’ve just hit this wall and i do not know how to move beyond it and start moving forward as the person i want to be. my health has suffered, my self-esteem has suffered, and my future is suffering because i cannot find this elusive “silver lining” everyone keeps describing. i feel worthless and because of that, i am treating my body as such. i need to have my brain “click” again for me and remind me that i have come so far in my journey to lose weight and be healthy that throwing it away now would be silly and make me even more unhappy. so far, though, that click hasn’t happened. i hope everyone had a great 4th of july.