I Can Be Negative: The Hate Spiral

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you should probably prepare yourself for some negativity. obviously my body was not completely tired of mediocrity because i’ve been doing nothing but continuously fucking it up. i wish i had a dollar for every single fucking time i’ve chastised myself the past few weeks; i wish i had a dollar for every time i’ve looked at myself in the mirror, have experienced disgust, and have yet to do anything about it except shovel more food into my face or simply just lament how fat i’ve gotten again. at this point, i refuse to even weigh myself because i know that will only contribute to my very serious hate spiral i am currently experiencing. that’s right, friends. i am in a hate spiral and i have no idea how to get myself out of it. 

for starters, i used to be a person who was a graduate assistant, had a job, an apartment, a reputation as a socialite, was in school, and had dreams for my future. now, i hold a master’s degree, but i live at home with my parents, feel very alone, am not in school, and work a tiny, degrading minimum wage job just so i can feel decent about my existence. i suppose all of this has contributed to my massive weight gain, but you know what, i just haven’t fucking felt like taking care of myself. i have felt like getting fucked up all the time, i have felt like chain smoking cigarettes, and i have felt like feeding myself garbage because that’s how i feel– i feel like garbage about myself and what i’ve done to my life. my motivation, along with my feelings of self-worth and my belief in a future, has seemed to simply flutter away and has gradually turned into aforementioned hate spiral. 

what i need to do now, more than anything, is find positivity in my current situation and morph that positivity into motivation and the desire to do something good for myself instead of indulging the negative. because that’s what i’m doing. i am indulging my negative because nothing else feels right. i don’t feel like being positive because i don’t feel that i have, in 25 fucking years of my life, have anything to show for two bachelor’s degrees and a master’s degree. i have let it affect my health and i know that needs to change. i just need to find the drive in my life once again instead of continuously being sad and feeling sorry for myself and what my life has become. i need to accept that this is what my life is now, work on making it better, and take care of myself instead of being self-destructive. 

at this point, i don’t know what to do, y’all. i feel like i’ve just hit this wall and i do not know how to move beyond it and start moving forward as the person i want to be. my health has suffered, my self-esteem has suffered, and my future is suffering because i cannot find this elusive “silver lining” everyone keeps describing. i feel worthless and because of that, i am treating my body as such. i need to have my brain “click” again for me and remind me that i have come so far in my journey to lose weight and be healthy that throwing it away now would be silly and make me even more unhappy. so far, though, that click hasn’t happened. i hope everyone had a great 4th of july. 

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Published by

Kara

trying to get by in this wonderfully difficult world

2 thoughts on “I Can Be Negative: The Hate Spiral”

  1. Welcome to the big leagues, girl. LOL! It sucks to hear that you’re feeling so negative and down on yourself, but ask just about anyone over 30 and they will tell you that your 20’s are for being foolish, misguided and exploratory. It’s the time where you’re being released into the real world to fend for yourself. You have your shiny new college degree and you’re kind of left to figure out the next step on your own. A very lucky few will go right into their career, but a majority will flounder around for a few years trying to figure out if they chose the right field, where they want to plant their roots, and also to just live a little before truly settling down. I mean, you’ve been in freakin’ school for 20 years!!! Of course you’re going to want to let loose and just be a bum for a minute.

    As far as how you’re treating your body (mind and soul), all I can suggest is that you ask yourself how many steps back do you want to take? You’ve come SO far on your health journey. You’ve pushed yourself. You’ve inspired others. You’ve reached and surpassed personal goals. How much of that are you willing to suppress before you say enough is enough? Do you want to look back and think, “if I had gotten back on track back then, then I would be so much farther along then I am now.”? It’s not a good feeling. Trust me, I know. The worst thing you can do is look back in 10 years and wish you had this time to do over again. You’re stronger than this. You have it in you to turn this negative train around and get back on the positive track. Use this time to focus on YOU. Before the big career, before the husband and kids and all that jazz. Make YOU your #1 priority while you have the time to do it and just enjoy your life. You’re worth it.

  2. I am in the exact same boat: 25, just finished my MS, living in my parents basement and I’ve gained back 10 of the 40 lbs I had lost during grad school because I feel like I’m losing control of my life a bit and I’m stressed out about trying to get into medical school and trying to find a job (even shitty minimum wage jobs won’t hire me because I have no experience and/or am over-qualified WTF). Seeing all of my uber-successful friends living it up in NYC isn’t helping the matter, but I suppose that not everyone can just fall into a dream job or be born with excessive willpower and perhaps in the end we will be stronger for having to fight for it.

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