this picture was actually taken saturday night after spending 13 hours romping around King’s Island, but it’s pretty telling of how i’ve felt the past few months: defeated, overwhelmed, and red-eyed. and maybe a little sunburnt, too. in my last entry, written in July, i reflected some of these feelings of failure. i am a 25 year old living with my parents, working a minimum wage retail job and while i am thankful for having income that pays (most of) my bills, this is not the life i expected i would have when i was 21 or 22. of course, the way my life has panned out in the past few years or so has not really lived up to any expectation i set for myself as a teenager, but the teenage me didn’t know shit about life at the time. at least now i’m a bit wiser than i was at 18 and more prepared for all of the pointless bullshit i have to endure as a growing adult. i say growing because i refuse to classify myself as an adult– the whole living with my parents thing really shatters that imagery.
let’s just go for some honesty here. since June, i have probably gained 17-20 pounds. at one point in my life, i was 20 pounds away from my goal weight. can you even begin to fucking understand just how frustrating it is to look up and realize that now, again, i am 40 fucking pounds away from 190? i mean, come the fuck on. i worked so fucking hard to get where i was only to allow myself to spiral out of control because i was unhappy. i know, though, that i am not the only person who has this problem. my biggest issue with myself is that i have been doing this shit my entire life. i have been a chronic yo-yo’er for as long as i can remember and it is really fucking frustrating to commit to something for so long and not have the willpower to keep it going. i was running 3-4 times a week, i was practicing yoga avidly, i was watching what i ate. now, i don’t do shit but lay in my bed, watch south park, and get drunk. these things are fun, don’t get me wrong, but i have to do get motivated and start treating myself like a human being again instead of a garbage disposal. it is time for me to set some goals for myself and follow through with them the way i used to follow through when i wasn’t a completely useless lump of bullshit excuses.
- lose 10 pounds by Halloween. simple.
- run at least 2 times a week as i build my endurance back up
- remove all beverages that are not water/unsweetened tea/black coffee
- stop eating meals at work and take my own lunches
- find yoga videos/pod casts and practice at least once a week– outside if weather permits
- begin keeping a positivity journal
these are small steps, but they are necessary. i am capable of so much more than i give myself credit for and my body knows that. yesterday, i walked around King’s Island for 13 hours and my legs ache from the activity, but the ache is so good because it’s a recognition that i DID something for myself. tomorrow, i am weighing myself and taking measurements and getting shit back together. tomorrow, i am going to run at least 1.5 miles outside at the nearby trail. tomorrow, i am going to stop making excuses and i am going to start taking responsibility for my actions, no matter how guilty i feel. i know i’ve said this before, but my time is now.
stay healthy, y’all.