anyone who knows me, and i don’t mean you have to be close to me to know me, just following my facebook will suffice, i am an incredibly self-loathing human being. i wake up hating myself; sometimes, i go to sleep hating myself. i go through life hating myself. it’s become a natural thought process i have not questioned since i was a little kid, when self-hating seemed stupid. i remember this one time, though, i was standing with a group of friends. i was in 5th grade and i innocently remarked “i think i’m pretty” which was instantly met with jeering and critiques of how i looked. i would like to remind you i was 10 years old. i suppose i could say it was around then that the real self-hatred started and maybe, when the real self-medication with food began happening. it is hard to pinpoint when i started turning to food for comfort, but i somehow know it was during these pre-teenage years when i realized i couldn’t fit into the designer clothes my peers wore or wasn’t receiving male attention like the other girls my age. either way, i created this loop of self-deprication i have still not escaped, even as a 25 year old in a world that is trying to be progressive in regards to body-type.
the picture above is me last night responding to feelings of apathy and self-hate. i wanted to feed the feelings inside of my body so badly that i went to the store and bought a pint of ice cream that was full of peanut butter cups and chocolate and fudge pieces and heart attacks and high blood pressure. but, i digress. what drove me there was not an actual desire for ice cream as i, at that point, was still so full from dinner i was miserable, but out of a desire to comfort some jealous trigger in my body, some self-loathing need. instead of eating the ice cream, i drank an unsweet tea and put the ice cream in the freezer never to be touched. it was a small success.
today, i ran 2.18 miles and practiced yoga for 10 minutes. it was not out of self-hate that propelled me back into my running shoes, but a desire to love myself and i have a hard time being mean to myself when i’m so physically productive. i also found out that i can get a membership at my alma mater’s gym for 20$ a month, which gives me access to the pools as well so i can start swimming again. more than anything, my need for exercise is not ultimately a need to lose weight or to fit into clothes from banana republic, but a need to feel in love with myself. the ability to love myself is not a skill i have been given; i will have to build this skill and reinforce it. sometimes, the path to finding our ultimate happiness starts with one step. hopefully, mine started today with two miles.
stay healthy, y’all.