so, this christmas, i’ve been doing something i normally NEVER do, which is listen to christmas music. i attribute a lot of this to the fact that i work in a retail environment and that shit is forced upon me and has been since November 6th. needless to say, i have heard the same christmas songs over and over and over again and have come to hate some of the lines from specific songs. for example, from the song “chestnuts roasting on the open fire” which is also known as “the christmas song,” i hate the line “everybody knows/ a turkey and some mistletoe” because i absofuckinglutely hate the way every single musical artist says “turkey.” i especially hate it when zooey deschanel says it. it probably has great deal to do with my overall dislike of zooey deschanel. this tangent has a point– or at least i thought it had a point. maybe the point is this is the first time in my entire life i have felt “christmas” around me.
my uncle is very sick; he is fighting, but he is very sick. this christmas, i had to come to terms with a great deal of things about myself and about my family. we have such a limited time to live our lives and i wanted to take some time to express my emotions or whatever. i have been absent this year– from my friendships, from my motivation, from my own life, i have been absent. i disappear frequently; i hibernate. i become anti-social at a moment’s notice. i flake out of plans. i avoid conversations. at the same time, i long for people to be around. i’ve come to the conclusion, friends, that i am embarrassed about where my life has come. i used to be, and i wish i had a dollar for every time i’ve said this, i used to be a mighty academic warrior with ultimate control of her future, a consistent runner, an active practitioner of yoga. now, i work a minimum wage job and i am thankful to have it, but it scares me. i live with my parents and while they are incredible human beings who would do anything for me, i miss my independence. i have gained close to 30 pounds and find it hard to motivate myself because it’s hard and i’m a fucking pansy sometimes. i have so many different paths in front of me and yet, i refuse to take any of them because i am so afraid of failure. the whole point of this is i have abandoned a lot of people who were very close to me– i have damaged many of my friendships and although i may be a cynical bitch who kind of hates everything, it breaks my fucking heart to think i have hurt my friends. i want to be present in 2013. i want to be present in my conversations with other people, i want to be a listener, i want to be THERE instead of hiding in my bedroom because i am ashamed of where i am. these moments in my life are so fleeting and i need to embrace every single one of them instead of wishing them away while i wait for my life to change. nothing will change if i do not put forth the effort to change. i have to change and i have to pull myself out of this rut i have created for myself.
i am sorry, dear friends. i am sorry i have been so hidden, so closed, and so cold to some of you. i am sorry that i have not been helpful, loving, or compassionate. i was selfish with my thoughts this year. i want to build my friendships back up and at the same time, build myself back up and get motivated to push myself in the right direction again. part of the reason i was so successful the first time around was because i had an amazing support system and i supported myself. i have spent most of 2012 bashing myself and the decisions i made for myself for the past 12 months. i have fucked up in 2012 and i have fucked up hard. i made huge errors in judgement. i let myself go; i let my fire die. this year, i have hurt mentally, i have hurt physically, and i have, my god, hurt emotionally. instead of reaching out to people, i pushed everyone away. i am sorry for that.
2013 will be my year. i am going to start standing up for myself. i am going to stop being so passive. i am going to start putting effort into everything again instead of treating life so listlessly. i am going to come back from this hellish year; i am going to make some fucking decisions. i am going to do something with my life instead of treating it like it’s already over. i am only 25 years old– i have years ahead of me. i am not going to waste them.
stay healthy, y’all.