i don’t think it’s a mystery to anyone that i’m a hateful, negative human being. i can be positive and generally uplifting when i want to be, but for the most part, i am a negative, self-hating creature. i don’t like anything i do, i don’t like anything about myself, and yesterday, after weeks of building, i fucking lost it. i cried all afternoon; i said incredibly mean things about myself and to myself. i had those overdramatic thoughts about my happiness and what the point of living was if i couldn’t be happy. after a long conversation with my mom, which resulted in more crying, i have come to one major conclusion: if i cannot find this happiness in myself, if i cannot be content with the woman i am becoming because of setbacks in my life, then i am going to be a miserable human being in every single capacity, regardless of my job, finances, or city in which i live. if i cannot create happiness out of my circumstances, then nothing is ever going to be good enough for me.
i have incredibly high standards for myself and for the people in my life. if you’re a person who considers yourself close to me, i am sorry for everything i’ve ever put you through. i expect perfection and honestly, i expect the world to be “kara-centric.” a direct quote from my mom is that i am good at “being the center.” part of being in that center, is being the best at what i do and receiving constant praise. otherwise, it’s not good enough, i berate myself, and ultimately, dissuade myself out of being happy. one of my friends, to whom i no longer speak i might add, said that i have the expectation that i will succeed at anything i do on the first try. if it takes more than once, it’s not worth my time. how fucking insane is that? i am now in a situation where the first time, second time, or 59th time may not be the opportunity meant for me. i have let myself tear myself down way too much and i have let my own embarrassment about my life control how i feel about myself and other people. it has turned me into an uglier person that i was initially, which is kind of ridiculous.
that’s right, you assholes. i am embarrassed of my life and what i’ve become, which is just fucking pathetic because i know, rationally, that i have a great deal to be thankful for in this little life of mine. i am 25 years old and i hold 3 degrees from an institution of higher education. i have 5 years of tutoring experience, a semester of teaching experience, and i know how to work with parents and college students alike. i was on scholarship for 6 of my 7 years in school. i have experienced amazing personal relationships with a great deal of people, even if those relationships have ended. i’ve seen barack obama speak in person. i’ve run a half marathon. i’ve been to europe and asia. i have a fucking rad ass family who would never, ever let anything bad happen to me. i have amazing, great things in my life but i get so focused on the impending and incessant bullshit that i forget these aspects of my life that make it so fucking wonderful. i have no reason to be embarrassed about my life, but i’ve felt like such a failure this past year. i have made little to no progress in finding a more stable job, but i honestly wonder if i am the reason for this stagnation. am i honestly scared of the success i may find if i just step out of my comfort zone for all of five minutes? probably. that’s why procrastinators procrastinate– they fear their own success, or failure. with the prospect of success also comes the prospect of failure. i don’t like failing, y’all. but, i have failed before and i will fail in the future. it’s just so hard not not rake myself over hot coals every single time i fuck up or make a mistake. i’m kara lairson! i’m better than that! but no one is above mistakes.
i am in charge of my future and it is what i want it to be. i have spent too much of the past year wallowing in my own self pity and self hate. it’s time to get my shit together and show the fucking world how great i can be. i have the potential to change the universe if i just put half of the effort into success that i put into feeling like a pile of shit. i can change everything in my life that makes me unhappy. this is the season of doing, not the season of whining. i cannot live my entire life just waiting for shit to fall into my lap to make me happy. i am in charge of my destiny and my next move. i have a responsibility to myself to make everything out of this short life i have been given. i am not too small. i am not stupid. i am not incapable.
i am a fucking force to be reckoned with; i have personality that could shatter mountains. i owe it to myself to get out into the world and make a fucking difference. i have spent too many years of my life scared to leave this bullshit town that threatens to suffocate me. it is time to move forward, to take charge of my situation, and fucking drill it into the ground until i strike oil and make a life for myself.
my friend, richie, left me this poem in my facebook inbox this morning. i want to leave it with you now.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.