most of the time, i have t push myself to do anything productive. while i try desperately to push against the grain of my being, i am one of those people who is content with doing nothing. i honestly think it stems from the many years i spent in school with guilt sitting on my shoulders, but i derive great pleasure from simply just existing. it’s a pretty shitty way to live, but this was the personality i was given by the universe when i was created. i’d like to think i’m one of those people who can just wake up and find something interesting to do, but honestly, i really just enjoy spending time in my head and having quiet time to myself. i want to be content with this part of my personality, but ultimately, i’m not, which is probably a good thing. i want more from my life than sitting and existing. there is a strong desire in my hear to just LIVE, but that voice sometimes cannot be heard over the general sounds of my laziness. i am a fucking lazy ass human being. i won’t ever deny that to you. but, today, i challenged my laziness and found that if i just pushed through the difficulty breathing, if i just pushed through the thoughts which threaten to undermine my progress, i can achieve great things. i understand this is not a new concept and many of you may be rolling your eyes at how long it took for me to grasp this concept, but some of us are just fucking slower than others when it comes to making changes. if you want to help someone change and better themselves, the first thing you need to realize is it doesn’t happen overnight, there are slip-ups, and your time frame or expectations DO NOT APPLY. they don’t apply to this heavy chubster anyway.
there is a point to that tirade above and it is this: when i woke up this morning, i accepted, and told myself, that i would be walking most of this 5k. i have not been running regularly; this week has been a test of my limits as far as my eating habits go, and honestly, i was fucking lazy this morning. my allergies were giving me a bit of trouble, but it wasn’t anything a seasoned seasonal allergy sufferer can’t deal with. but i used it as an excuse to fuel my laziness. but, when we finally reached our destination, registered, and i pinned my bib to my shirt, i truly began to believe there was absolutely no way i could just walk a 5k. this wasn’t my first 5k– i had trained and ran one before. the kicker, personally, was the moment of silence for Boston and feeling the wind whip across my face waiting for the race to start. i had no excuses– i have two fully-functional legs, i have lungs, and i have fucking determination. so, i ran. and i ran. and i ran. and when the race was over, i was left with a personal record (PR) for my 5k. i had taken down the beast in 39 minutes, probably sooner according to my watch, and i am so fucking proud of myself. i woke up thinking there was just no way i could run, let alone finish running, and i set a record for myself. i am capable of great things, but man, my fucking laziness is the tendon in my Achilles. i realize laziness is an obstacle i must combat. i cannot be defeated before i even started, and that’s what almost happened this morning. i did not give myself a chance to succeed and almost lost a chance to set a record for myself. moral of the story– just fucking do it, y’all.
i did have the great honor and fortune of sharing a trail (at least some of it) with two girls, one of them being my very, very good friend Catie, who were running their first 1ok.
they finished a minute and 45 seconds below their goal time. they were a huge help, personally, as i struggled in the car on the way to the race with the idea of walking. they never said out loud that i should run, but i could feel their encouragement. they knew i could do it– the only person who doubted me was me. i am so thankful i ran this race today, especially with these two women. it was a joy to share the experience, some delicious breakfast, and make for a great Saturday. in these moments, it is easier to forget the laziness and focus on what i have already accomplished. i can do anything i want. i just have to stop being so fucking lazy and halfhearted about it all. i fought a little harder today and the laziness couldn’t keep up.
stay healthy, and not lazy, y’all.