The Blur of October: Starting Over

img_3419Hey, y’all. It’s been a hot second and a half, but I figured it’s about time to write an update about how my life is going, well or otherwise. It hasn’t been going well, but being honest has always been one of my main tenants for keeping a weight loss blog, or an emotional blog. Since September, my life has been kind of a clusteruck whirlwind, and while I am tempted to be angry with myself for how far I’ve allowed myself to backslide, self-love is probably the most important in times of disappointment.

In the middle of September, I took a two week trip to Kentucky to see my family and to experience Kentucky as it turned to fall. Unfortunately for me, it stayed fuckall hot while I was there, but being in Kentucky was simply amazing. I ate all of the food, drank all of the craft beer, and thoroughly enjoyed my time with my friends. I managed to keep away from cigarettes, I ran a couple of times, but at the end of the trip, I rolled my ankle at a restaurant and put myself out of running commission for well over a week. It was then I sort of knew that I was probably out of the running for the Ulsan Half Marathon, which was my ultimate goal.

By the way, that race was yesterday and I didn’t run it.

After I got back, I had a much harder time of adjusting to Korea again than I had before. I didn’t sleep well; when I slept, it was either from 2:00am-3:30am or from 11am-3:30pm. I was living on sleeping pills, I was extremely depressed, and I started feeling like I was going crazy. October was a hard month for me, but in addition, October is also a party month here. Every single weekend, there was some sort of shenanigan happening– birthdays, award ceremonies, weddings. You name it, October had it. Before I get into the logistics of October, and my feelings throughout the month, I want to preface this with a statement: October was fun. I spent time with the greatest friends in the world and a lot of good, lovely things were part of my life in October.

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But, instead of counteracting my depression with exercise and eating well, I allowed myself to totally abandon my goals and slip into a place that has proven very hard to escape. Instead of exercising, eating well, and confronting my issues, I turned back to one of my old habits, which was drinking my issues away. I ran less than 5 times in the month of October. I ate bullshit. I drank Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Wednesdays.I had gone 90 days without a cigarette and in a moment of self-destruction, I caved and had one. I spent a lot of October hating myself, and, as a consequence, my depression, and the side effects, got worse.

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I couldn’t focus. I shied away from my closest people. I tried to keep my problems in my head instead of allowing my friends around me in, to comfort me. I couldn’t find justification for how I felt. Wasn’t I happy? Didn’t I have everything? But, depression doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t show up when things are going poorly and disappear when things are going my way.

I spent October feeling like a fat failure but without any sort of gumption to change or fix the way I was acting or living. I had reached a point of not giving a flying fuck about myself again. A lot of my unhappiness was in the notion that I wasn’t running my half, I had a cigarette, I drank too much, and I punished myself. I punished myself by mentally letting go and fully engaging in the hate cycle and when I had enough, I was so determined to get through it on my own that I didn’t trust my closest people to help me through it. I live in a vicious world of high standards and a low threshold of self forgiveness.

After many conversations with my best friends, and after many evenings spent listless, I am starting to drag myself, albeit kicking and screaming, out of this dark place. I started keeping track of my bullet journal again. I’ve started making food in my house again. I’ve started sleeping at regular intervals again, communicating again, and tonight, I ran again. It was hard.

It was so tempting afterward,  after 2.2 miles felt terrible and like death, and I had run almost 7 miles before America, to tear into myself, to tear myself down with venom and rage because I was not what I was 2 months ago. But, I didn’t. One of my main focus points in the next few weeks, is to gently and calmly start reconstructing my schedule. Slowly, but surely, putting the pieces back into place where I know I will be the most successful. I am not a punching bag for myself; I would not tolerate the kind of toxic behavior I force myself to endure, from myself, from someone else.

It’s time to rebuild, even if it is grueling and hard. It’s time to take care of myself, even when the desire to collapse is at its strongest. It’s also time to love myself with a kind of ferocity I’ve never had before and realize now, more than ever, that my weight does not define who I am. A bad run does not make me a failure. Eating a carbohydrate does not mean that I am weak. I am not a perfect person, I am insanely flawed, and for fuck’s sake, that’s okay.

October, you were rough on me. You were fun, drunk, and an absolute blur. But, it’s time to take up the reigns of self-care and get back to it.

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November, show me what you got.

 

 

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Just Keep Swimming, Swimming, Swimming

eat shit, monday

mondays are, for the most part, incredibly lame. i am having a very, very lame monday. but, i have confidence my week will get better. i just need to make sure i keep taking care of myself, my foot, and my nutritional needs. weekends are so hard to stay on the wagon; i wish i could articulate just how hard it is for me. i spent a lot of time this weekend actually discussing nutrition with a couple of my friends and i realize it’s a slow process, but they have it so much more together than me. i know comparing myself to other people is a ridiculously bad choice for self-esteem and confidence, but it’s something i feel we as a society have been programmed to do– we compare ourselves mercilessly to other women, or to men and their progress, for that matter. i can’t help but feel a tad bit jealous when one of my friends accomplishes a great goal or feat of fitness. i just need to take that jealousy or frustration and use it to propel myself further into exercise rather than let it defeat me and eat my weight in french fries. i honestly think that may have happened this weekend. dammit. but tomorrow, i’m going to the gym and SWIMMING. yes, you read that correctly. i am swimming now and i absolutely fucking LOVE IT.

last week, i started going crazy from the lack of exercise i had been getting after spraining my foot. wednesday, after some nerves and calming myself down from the anxiety i felt about approaching a new, unfamiliar activity, i put my bathing suit on and trucked it to the pool. after asking the lifeguard, who was rather perplexed by someone asking him how to get into the pool (it’s complicated, whatever), i waited for a lane to open up and when one did, i seized my opportunity and jumped in! the first time i swam on wednesday, i didn’t keep track of how far or how much i swam; i know i was in the water for at least 30 minutes, and it felt so good to get my heart pumping. i love swimming and it will be something i continue to do, regardless of my sprain and when it heals. it’s a great crosstraining exercise because it forces you to use your entire body. my back muscles thanked me for the workout. thursday, i went to the gym and actually got on the elliptical! i did interval training for 33 minutes and did some strength training on my legs since they haven’t been getting as much of a workout as they did previously. friday morning, i went for the pool again and this time, i kept track of my laps/lengths. did you know a length in the pool is one time down and a lap is one time down and back? i did 46 lengths or 23 laps in a 25 yard pool; this ultimately means i swam .7 of a mile. hurray kara! i love swimming! this brings me to revealing a big secret/longing/next big training goal: next year, i am participating in a sprint triathlon, which is a combination of .4 miles of swimming, 3.1 miles of running, and 12.4 miles of biking. honestly, if i got my ass in gear and trained hard over the summer, i may try to do one in september. we’ll see. it’s been a life-long dream to be a triathlete– i want it.

and then i blew it this weekend. whatever. don’t want to talk about it. it’s hard. i hate the weekends because they ruin my productivity and my life whatever damn ugh fuck. i need accountability and this just isn’t doing it. help? i know i need help; i have a hard time accepting help. i feel like help is critical sometimes, you know? but in order to succeed, i need to be kept accountable for my actions, even on the weekends. just because it is a weekend does not give me an excuse to eat like a slob. it does not it does not it does not. damn.

in the food area, i only stepped outside the box once this week when it came to culinary creations.

falafel!

homemade falafel on top of a flatbread with spinach, low fat feta, and some trader joe’s tzatziki (which i love more than anything, really); on the side, we had some cous-cous. it was actually pretty good, although i’m not quite sure if i really like falafel. i really enjoyed the flatbread. and tzatziki. and feta. and spinach. yum. boyfriend made stuffed peppers on thursday night and i gorged myself on how delicious they were; for the side, then, we had a salad with some low fat raspberry vinaigrette, some strawberries, and a sprinkling of feta cheese. we have a thing for feta cheese, obviously. i really cannot wait for school to be over so i can cook all the time and not have this shitstorm of a schedule i have right now. i really do enjoy cooking but i never have time to do it because i have classes at night on monday and tuesday and i like going to yoga on thursday nights so i try not to eat heavily then. lame. but i will get to it. i will cook more and it will be delicious. there are so many recipes i would love to try in the near future and i will keep you all posted!

as for now, i’m recovering from my foot and my super lax weekend of pretending my metabolism is glorious. i can’t eat anything i want. i know that. but sometimes, i like to pretend. carver gets a crazy eye when i pretend too much, though

crazy eye carver!

i am capable of changing my entire future– i just need to settle down and get my goals and priorities back in order. i will do that. my body can’t afford another drastic weight gain and neither can my mind. stay healthy, y’all.