2017: Enough


2017 is a garbage person. 2017 is a fucking bully and I’m glad it’s over. Before composing this final (and much delayed) blog entry of 2017, I was thinking about the good and bad things that occurred this year and honestly, I’m perplexed at how a year could have been so fucking good to me and so fucking bad at the same time. I wish I could say I was ending this year on a high note, but it seems like me, and others, are all just counting down the days until we can wash the bad taste of 2017 out of our mouths.


Before I get into the nonsense of the past few months, I want to recount the good things that have happened to me this year. I traveled to two different countries, Japan & Vietnam, by myself. I conquered the idea of traveling alone and not only did I conquer it, I fucking excelled at it. Traveling alone was always one of my biggest fears– the idea that I could not overcome my loneliness. But, I found that throughout traveling alone, I became more comfortable with the idea of myself and keeping myself as company. I think, for a long time, because I’ve dealt with a lack of self-worth and the fear of not being good enough that meant that I wasn’t even good enough for my own company. This idea is slowly changing and I am embracing my qualities. This will always be a work in progress for me as, honestly, I’m just too good at hating myself. But, even I can admit I’ve done serious work this year and I’ve progressed exponentially.

I also started CrossFit and finally ran the half-marathon I’ve wanted to run since I first came to Korea: the DMZ Cherowon Peace Marathon. This could have been a blog entry on its own, and probably should have been, because the feelings I felt after crossing the finish line will never be replicated.


I crossed, cried my eyes out, and then immediately thought I was going to throw up. It was so much hotter than we expected it to be and it was so much harder for me than it should have been. In the last couple of weeks of my training, I hurt my feet and ankles and my training really suffered. The longest run I did while training was 15k, and that was in July. So, the last few kilometers of the race were fucking brutal.


But, we finished. We drank beer. We felt proud.

In congress with the running of the half marathon and CrossFit, and I know I’ve talked about this before, but it was such a big part of my year, I started playing Gaelic football. At our end of the year dinner, I even won “Most Improved,” which is a huge fucking honor considering I had never played a group sport before March. There were times I wanted to quit and there were times I was furious with myself for making a mistake, but throughout the sport, I slowly learned how to take constructive criticism, and I honestly believe this experience helped me grow into a more confident and well-rounded person.


I also got married this year, which is honestly still a huge shock sometimes. In fact, I referred to Robert as my boyfriend today in conversation. We got engaged on Jeju Island earlier this year inside of a volcano, which is pretty telling of the kind of relationship we have and the kind of person Robert is. In August, we went to Seoul and got married in the district office without much fanfare or panache– again, that’s the kind of people we are. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.


So, because I got married, I had the pleasure of having a bachelorette party (three weeks after I got married) and I was surrounded and loved on by some of the best women I have ever known. They put together games for me, organized the hotel, figured out dinner, and helped me get very, very intoxicated.


I also had a few opportunities to travel around the country and do a few things I had never done before. We went to Seoul ComicCon, which was the first year it was ever hosted in Korea. We traveled to Namhae to experience Oktoberfest in Korea and had a few relaxing days camping on the beach during the 10 day long vacation, Chuseok.


I spent St. Patrick’s Day on Gwangali and Haeundae beaches and got to experience Holi Hai the same weekend. I participated in the Busan production of the Vagina Monologues. I got to have one of the most difficult experiences of my acting life by performing in Henry Murray’s “Three Views of the Same Object.” I went to my first Samsung Lions game. I went to Jeju Island for the first time. I got to see the USA U-20 team play in Daejeon. I ALSO BECAME BTS TRASH AND I DON’T CARE I BET YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T MENTION THEM IN THIS ENTRY HA


God, they’re so amazing. I fucking love them so much. You can take your hate on somewhere else, ya fucks.

Now that all of the fun and good is out of the way, it’s time to discuss the shittiest parts of the year, which honestly, was mostly from September until now. My problem is when one thing goes bad, everything else has a tendency to go poorly. I actually remember thinking once as I was walking home in August “Wow… things are so good right now. They’ll probably go to shit soon,” and go to shit they did, friends.

I have honestly never been so close to losing my fucking mind as I have been these past few months. After my half-marathon, without a real goal to accomplish, I sort of fell apart. I went right from training for my half to having a 10 day long vacation where all I did was drink for days straight. My drinking increased from one day every couple of weeks to four or five days a week and I slowly but surely began to undo all of the progress, mentally, emotionally and physically, that I had worked so hard to achieve. I kept a CrossFit gym membership, but I was so lackadaisical about going that it seemed really fucking stupid to keep paying for something I wasn’t using. I stopped running. All I wanted to do was go out and party, which is what I did.

A lot of aspects of my life suffered. I was having problems in my life in Korea and life at home wasn’t much easier. Last year, my aunt E, who is one of my best friends and essentially my second mother, was diagnosed with cancer in her mouth. The cancer progressed and the day I got the news, my mom also told me that my grandmother had an aneurysm in her abdomen that required surgery. On Monday, November 20th, I bought a plane ticket home and on November 22nd, I landed at the Bluegrass Airport. I’ve never had that kind of turnaround time with a flight and going home before, but I’m glad I made the decision to go home.


I got to spend the first Thanksgiving at home with my family in four years. I got to spend time with my aunt and my grandmother, who spent the majority of the time I was at home in the ICU. I got to see my close friends of 15+ years and be loved on by them. I love my life in Daegu, don’t get me wrong, but the chance to be away from Korea and be at home with people who have known me my whole life, people who know my family, people who have been with me as we’ve grown up, was so necessary for my mental health at the time. It helped put a lot of things into perspective, and I felt the future of my life change while I contemplated the kind of steps to take to secure my happiness.


The past few months have been fucking stupid hard. There have been days when getting out of bed was the best I could do, but I still had to go put on a face for my students, who have begun to express real dismay at my departure from my academy of 2.5 years. It breaks my heart. I’ve watched some of these students grow up since I started working there in 2015. They’re bright, wonderful, intelligent teenagers who are, honestly, going to change the world around them. It’s been a huge honor to be their teacher.

So, here it is– December 27th, 2017. A great deal of my life is still very much in the air. I’m confused, I’m scared, and I’m terrified of making the wrong decision somewhere along the way. I am unhappy. I have real issues with a lot of people in my life, and I don’t know how to fix any of them. But, I am pushing on and trying to find ways to solve the problems– both that I have created and problems that are out of my control. I am fucking distracted. I am nervous. I spend a majority of my time brooding and irritated. I don’t feel like I’ve been completely honest in this entry, which is something else I have a real problem with, but at this point, I can only give so much. I have started writing again, but I can’t share it with anyone. For a majority of the past few months, I have felt very alone.

I have gained 14 pounds or 6.7kgs. I just ate cookies. But, I am trying my best. I am trying to navigate my way through the last few days of this fucking difficult year while trying to weave the good moments in to sustain any chance of happiness I have. Sometimes, life really does fucking kick you when you are at your lowest. These past few months have absolutely been my lowest. But, I am trying my best. I am waking up every day. I am trying to reach out to people who I know care about me regardless of the mistakes I have made, and will probably continue to make. I am trying to find the light within myself to get back to the point where taking care of myself seems worth it– where I seem worth it. I am trying to get better. I am trying to figure out a way to love myself and love the life I’m living without focusing on every single facet that seems either too good or not good enough for me.

I am going to try to enter 2018 with the belief that I am worth all of the things that I want– that I am truly worthy of love, respect, and attention, that I am worthy of the opportunities that have come into my life. One of the major things I want to focus on is removing toxicity, and I mean this in regards to both the toxicity in myself and the toxic people in my life who only serve to take from me instead of enriching my existence in any way.


I am going to go back to CrossFit. I am going to start taking care of myself again. I am going to start keeping my bullet journal again. I am going to start journeying back down the path to self love again, even if I have to take myself kicking and fucking screaming, which at this point is exactly what I’m going to have to do. I’m going to seek out counseling again and maybe medication, too, if that’s what it takes to get me back to a place where I don’t feel like everything in my life is hopeless or that everyone in my life is out to get me or abandon me.

Please remember that you’re not alone in your struggle. Please remember that people around you do care, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I am saying this because I, too, need to remember that there are people in my corner. Remember that your life is not about other people– your life is about you and your happiness. Do not compromise. Do not sell yourself short. Do not cower in the shadow of your own fucking greatness.

Be well, y’all, and Happy New Year.



Merry Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year: Looking Ahead to 2013

my amazing family

so, this christmas, i’ve been doing something i normally NEVER do, which is listen to christmas music. i attribute a lot of this to the fact that i work in a retail environment and that shit is forced upon me and has been since November 6th. needless to say, i have heard the same christmas songs over and over and over again and have come to hate some of the lines from specific songs. for example, from the song “chestnuts roasting on the open fire” which is also known as “the christmas song,” i hate the line “everybody knows/ a turkey and some mistletoe” because i absofuckinglutely hate the way every single musical artist says “turkey.” i especially hate it when zooey deschanel says it. it probably has great deal to do with my overall dislike of zooey deschanel. this tangent has a point– or at least i thought it had a point. maybe the point is this is the first time in my entire life i have felt “christmas” around me.

my uncle is very sick; he is fighting, but he is very sick. this christmas, i had to come to terms with a great deal of things about myself and about my family. we have such a limited time to live our lives and i wanted to take some time to express my emotions or whatever. i have been absent this year– from my friendships, from my motivation, from my own life, i have been absent. i disappear frequently; i hibernate. i become anti-social at a moment’s notice. i flake out of plans. i avoid conversations. at the same time, i long for people to be around. i’ve come to the conclusion, friends, that i am embarrassed about where my life has come. i used to be, and i wish i had a dollar for every time i’ve said this, i used to be a mighty academic warrior with ultimate control of her future, a consistent runner, an active practitioner of yoga. now, i work a minimum wage job and i am thankful to have it, but it scares me. i live with my parents and while they are incredible human beings who would do anything for me, i miss my independence. i have gained close to 30 pounds and find it hard to motivate myself because it’s hard and i’m a fucking pansy sometimes. i have so many different paths in front of me and yet, i refuse to take any of them because i am so afraid of failure. the whole point of this is i have abandoned a lot of people who were very close to me– i have damaged many of my friendships and although i may be a cynical bitch who kind of hates everything, it breaks my fucking heart to think i have hurt my friends. i want to be present in 2013. i want to be present in my conversations with other people, i want to be a listener, i want to be THERE instead of hiding in my bedroom because i am ashamed of where i am. these moments in my life are so fleeting and i need to embrace every single one of them instead of wishing them away while i wait for my life to change. nothing will change if i do not put forth the effort to change. i have to change and i have to pull myself out of this rut i have created for myself. 

i am sorry, dear friends. i am sorry i have been so hidden, so closed, and so cold to some of you. i am sorry that i have not been helpful, loving, or compassionate. i was selfish with my thoughts this year. i want to build my friendships back up and at the same time, build myself back up and get motivated to push myself in the right direction again. part of the reason i was so successful the first time around was because i had an amazing support system and i supported myself. i have spent most of 2012 bashing myself and the decisions i made for myself for the past 12 months. i have fucked up in 2012 and i have fucked up hard. i made huge errors in judgement. i let myself go; i let my fire die. this year, i have hurt mentally, i have hurt physically, and i have, my god, hurt emotionally. instead of reaching out to people, i pushed everyone away. i am sorry for that. 

2013 will be my year. i am going to start standing up for myself. i am going to stop being so passive. i am going to start putting effort into everything again instead of treating life so listlessly. i am going to come back from this hellish year; i am going to make some fucking decisions. i am going to do something with my life instead of treating it like it’s already over. i am only 25 years old– i have years ahead of me. i am not going to waste them. 

stay healthy, y’all. 

27 Hour Triathlon?

general angst.

this is how i’ve felt for the past few days. i’m a generally angsty human being, as everyone probably knows, but i feel like it’s been worse. i don’t know if i can chalk it up to working retail around the holidays or if i just feel lost in my fitness journey again. i would say it’s probably a combined effort of a few of these annoyances that have made me feel this way.

i had a job interview at EKU on Friday, and for any of you who don’t know, i recently graduated from EKU with my MA in English and have been working at a bookstore since June. the professionals who interviewed me were very nice and asked me intensive questions, which i answered almost perfectly, i might add, but he kept repeating the same few phrases to me: “you’re overqualified” and “you’d be bored here.” now, don’t get me wrong, i know my Master’s degree is pretty rad and i am proud of myself for achieving such an accomplishment, but i am not used to hearing the words “overqualified.” in fact, i’m not used to being called back about a job, considering i’ve sent out applications to more than 200 places/positions and this interview was the first interview i’ve had since my interview, and subsequent hiring, at B&N. needless to say, the interview was almost a week ago, and i haven’t heard anything. i’m assuming i didn’t get the job, and honestly, i have made my peace with it. maybe this job interview was just to give me hope. i’ll find something eventually. until then, i suppose i will continue to shelve books and answer stupid questions for the time being. i’m fortunate to have such awesome coworkers, though. 

as far as my fitness goes, it seems like every time i get a good momentum, i let it go before it has fully solidified as a habit in my life again. i’ve decided that i really do need that gym membership at EKU; i will acquire one in January as i feel getting one in December is a waste of time as the operating hours are less than ideal for someone who does not still attend Eastern. plus, i’ll only have to pay 15 dollars for a parking pass. suckas! 

i’ve been looking at a plethora of races and have plenty of people who are willing to do said races with me. currently, i would like to participate in the Color Me Rad race in Lexington in March, the EKU Triathlon in April, and ultimately, the Flying Pig Half in May. these are all achievable goals and i love running races. it is the one time i don’t mind exercising with other human beings. well, that and yoga. i just need to pull the trigger and register for these races so they become tangible events in my life. if i know i have a race coming up, i am more willing to train for that race and run according to my runner’s world schedule. if i do not have a close goal, i find that it is easy to fizzle out and ignore the obligations to my body. 

i have also been looking into this: http://www.tri4freedom.com/27-hour.html. It is a 27 hour triathlon that can be split between teams of 10 for $200 a team. i calculated that if there is a team of 10, the longest anyone would have to run/bike would be 72 minutes, which is obviously an hour and 12 minutes and the longest anyone would have to swim would be 15 minutes. i am really interested in participating in something like this, especially since it supports human trafficking survivors in Lexington and raises awareness about human enslavement that still exists across the world. AND! if there were 10 people, the entrance fee would only be $20 per person. how exciting, y’all. but, seriously, i really want to do this. it’s 6 months away! 

i really just needed to write this blog entry to get my thoughts out, honestly. i go apeshit looking at all of these races and i really just need to remind myself that i am capable of running them because i have before! i’m a half-marathoner! i just need to put the effort back into it and push myself to make my running and eating healthily a habit once more. the good news is i’ve cut back on the amount of drinking i’ve been doing and the amount of smoking. one of these days, i’m going to kick my smoking habit for good. i’m just not ready yet. 

stay healthy, y’all.